Can we talk: Rage

When people talk depression , from what I’ve seen, most people talk about how sad and alone and hopeless they feel. I also felt those things but one thing that I’ve had that no one really talks about is rage. Depression can manifest itself in bouts of rage. Minor inconveniences can now cause me to see red. 

Someone: *sits at light for 2 seconds longer than needed at green light*

Me: FUCKING GO YOU FUCKING COCK SUCKING BITCH ASS BITCH

Someone: *just trying to do their job but I feel like they’re catching an attitude*

Me: just fucking do your shit so I can fucking leave asshole

Someone: *breathes in my direction*

Me: I will end you, literally.

It’s something that I hate that’s become of me and it’s something I monitor every day. I’ve had outbursts with my husband, kids, family, friends, strangers and I hate how I feel after once I’ve calmed down so I can only imagine how people feel when it’s directed at them. And I hate apologizing because when someone apologizes to me I expect a change and for them to stop what they did causing an apology. I do my best, I really do my best to fix how I react to people. There are things that call for a large reaction, but 99.999999% of what happens to me don’t call for that at all.

It took years for me to recognize that this isn’t normal and raging out almost everyday isn’t okay. Different medication trials and yoga and spirituality are what it’s taken to find the proper balance to help me control my outbursts. 

It’s okay to be going through a a hard time, to be struggling. What is not okay, is for us to take it out on people not deserving.  We can do better, we can help ourselves. We are our only advocates.